Emotional Defeat

I woke up this morning, with the intent to write about hypocrisy. However, it seems that as my day progressed, and my tormentor discovered he was nowhere near breaking me–as he’s been attempting to do these past few weeks–he moved on to the thing that always trips me up…my emotions.

It began at my doctor’s appointment. I’ve been praying, hoping, and waiting for healing, for a few years now (about 7). In fact, I stopped praying for healing not too long ago, because I figured God just doesn’t want to heal me, because if he did, then he would have done it by now. I’ve just accepted that it’s a part of my life and I just have to deal with it. However, recently, I’ve been reminded a few times not to give up and to continue requesting healing, so I sat there praying again, while I waited for the doctor to come in.

Finally, my doctor comes in…Last time I was in her office, she was pregnant, and now, she explains to me, her son is two months. As she’s telling me about the delivery I notice her eyes move toward my left hand and I get the feeling that she wants to ask me if I plan on having any children, but as she realizes I’m not married, she withholds the question.

As she moves forward with the appointment, she apologizes for taking so long, and explains that she had a 16-year old patient that she was talking over things with (did I mention this is an OB/GYN appointment?). I had seen the girl in the waiting room and I wanted so desperately to shake the girl and tell her to wise up! To tell her she didn’t want to be like me!

I headed home after the appointment feeling completely defeated. Feeling unloved, undesired, alone…I see my friends with their families–children and husbands–every day, and I don’t feel like this…but today…*big sigh* I guess my emotions have just gone haywire. I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning.

Lord, please be with me; I know You love me and have a plan for me and I’m sure it’s much more than what I could ever imagine or accomplish on my own. In times like these, I need your strength and comfort more than anything else; and I want to know that I haven’t been forgotten.

Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7)

Thank You for reminding me.

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